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Amber Larkin's Journal  its been a year now......... cant say its gotten any easier. they say the first year is the hardest. boy they arent kidding. I love you dad. Current mood:  lonely.
My sister was turning 16. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISSA! Lindsay was about to graduate HS. My dad was still alive. I still had my sanity. I knew what my future plan was. I was happy. Was working two jobs but loving it. Wasn't thinking i would ever live in Ohio again. I was healthy. Man if things haven't changed alot in a year. It has been such a rough year. So hard with out my dad. I went to him for everything. I feel like im not the same person anymore. I've gone out of my mind without him. I'm so lost. I keep running around in circles. I hope things start to get better. This has been the roughest year of my life. People I thought who would be greatful for the things I did and my father did for them just stab me in the back. You think they would be more human than that apparently not. I feel like I've gone insane. I dont know who i am anymore. I dont know what i want to do with my life. I'm packing up all my things to move back home. I need my family and they need me. Hopefully being back in my own surroundings will help me along. Not to mention I need to be close to family for my health reasons cause the treatments will start again soon. Not a day goes by that i dont think of him and wish i could have just one more day. I cant believe its almost been a year. I remember it like yesterday. I remember what i was doing, what i was wearing, who i was with. Everything. I keep doing everything i can to help my family. He was the glue that held it together now its all falling on my shoulders. So everyone go and hug your dad today and tell them how much they mean to you cause you never know what will happen or when they will be taken away RIP Daddy 5-20-06 She knows her daddy won't be back anymore She drags her feet across the floor Trying hold back time to keep him holding on And she says Daddy Daddy don't leave I'll do anything to keep you Right here with Me Can't you see how much I need you Current mood: sad.
since my dad passed away. if feels like yesterday. everyday i think about him and what happened. for the longest time i felt so guilty. i mean i could have been there. i should have been there. thats what i do. i'm trained to save lives. it tears me up that i wasnt there to save my dads. it hasn't gotten any easier. everyday i still cry and wish i could have that time back for just an instant. my dad was everything to me and my whole family. it hasnt been the same without him. i work my tail off to try and help my mom in every way i can. i want nothing more than for my sisters to have the life i grew up with..... i know my mom cant provide all that. its so hard waking up everyday not able to call my dad. i wish i could talk to him again and get his advice again. its so hard without him. i feel so lost. i dont act the same and keep running in endless circles. i dont know what to do with anything let alone myself. i'm so greatful for a dad who gave me everything mine did. he would have given me the world if he could. he was the most hardworking man i know and he did it all for his girls. he would do anything for anyone if within his reach. i just want to go back so much. back to the time when he was here. No words I write can ever say How much I miss you every day. As time goes by, the loneliness grows; How I miss you, nobody knows! I think of you in silence, I often speak your name, But all I have are memories And photos in a frame. No one knows my sorrow, No one sees me weep, But the love I have for you Is in my heart to keep. I've never stopped loving you I'm sure I never will; Deep inside my heart, You are with me still. Heartaches in this world are many But mine is worse than any. My heart still aches as I whisper low, "I need you and I miss you so." The things we feel so deeply Are often the hardest to say, But I just can't keep quiet any more, So I'll tell you anyway. There is a place in my heart That no one else can fill; I love you so, Dad, And I always will. litt did we know that morning That God would call your name. In life we loved you dearly; In death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, But you did not go alone, For part of us went with you The day God called you home. You left us beautiful memories, Your love is still our guide, And though we cannot see you, You are always by our side. Our family chain is broken And nothing seems the same, But as God calls us one by one, The chain will link again. Current mood: sad.
if anyone could please keep todays paper (may 23) for my family we would appreciate it my dads obituary is in it. thanks Saturday May 20, 2006. That day will be forever embedded in my head as one of the worst days of my life. My dad passed away. Its so hard. I never in my wildest dreams thought it would happen like this. my dad was too strong to die from a heart attack. he wasnt meant to die, not like this. his body fought for 6 hours. i didnt even get to talk to him that day i was too busy working as usual. any one who even knew me in the slightest knew how much my dad meant to me and much he affected who i was and who i was going to be. i havent slept or ate since it happened. i cant even grasp it. i miss him so much. it hurts even more that my sisters didnt get to know him like i did. he doesnt get to watch them grow up and help mold who they are. my dad did so much for so many people never asking for anything in return. he was having a good day planting flowers in the garden with my sisters. no one saw it coming. no one could have expected it. i wish i could have been there. i wish i could have helped. my dad was the rock in our family. i dont know what i am going to do now i went to him for everything. i hadnt seen my dad in 5 months. that hurts me so much. i wish i could have seen him. 6 days from watching my sister graduate 5 days earlier he celebrated my other sisters sweet 16. he had so much to live for and so much still to do. it happened so so suddenly. i walk into his house and i cant even stop crying. i'm so greatful he didnt die alone. my mom was there. my dad was so afraid of something happening while he was alone. he was such a great dad i only wish it wouldnt have taken 1000 miles of distance to bring us together. my dad will be forever missed and loved. i'm so greatful to have him as my dad. ok so i figured i might as well update a little some people actually might read this. SOOOO i took the MCAT and did very very well UCLA or University of miami here i come. I graduate in May of 06 hopefully. as long as they dont change any of my major classes times i will be ok but they have a BAD habit of clashing classes that i need that are only offered 1 a year. i am a work a holic now. i work not 1 not 2 but 3 jobs!!!! then ontop of 18 credit hours what am i thinking i mean seriously. this saturday i am auditioning for the real world!!!!! whoop whoop for that i am crazy excited. i tried to suck sarah to this ploy but she had to work. I moved intoa new apartment. its really nice the area is fabulous. a bit too many british and scottish men but eh what ya gonna do. it is sooooo hot here. i have been laying out and its like 80 degrees down here. school is almost over and icant wait. i dont get to go home any this summer due to the 3 jobs but i am banking some major cash so its all good. well enough for now ~Amber* Current mood: exhausted.Current music: my phone ringing i am a popular lady. so today was the day... They left......... The last of my friends that i had down here are gone...... I went to the farwell ceremony it was one of the saddest things i have ever had to go through. Everyone please keep the 3rd ID in your hearts they are going back to iraq for the 2nd deployment... I'm soaked in rain and everything around me breaks like glass. I wonder why such a time in my life has to be so blood drenched. Where is all of this going? As I head down this path alone... seeking... what? Seeking sanity, comfort, family that is so not here. War. War is taking my friends. Taking my second half which is tearing my heart to shreds. I'm stuck with no explanation. Where is my best friend? I'm carrying my whole family on my back as everyone else continues with their lives, all around me. Normal. Happy. Am I strong enough, Lord? To handle this obstacle you’ve given? I don't want to be Job. I don't want my life and family taken away. He'll come back. Wont he? I cannot sleep, eat, or do anything but worry. I need someone here, but whom? Emptiness claims my soul and I'm dragging my feet through the mud. Half of those soldiers that I talked to... will they return? Or will their letters to me just stop abruptly? All these families, crying soldiers grasping onto their oblivious children for the last time ... That moment will be cemented in my mind for eternity. Why??? Why does this have to happen? Why is my comfort being torn away? Why do I keep dreading the next moment... what I will see next. All I can do is stare at this blank screen now. Everything that has happened so fast the past couple of weeks have actually sunk in, and for once, I'm a wreck. No words of comfort can solve this. I need love so much... but it's not there. I can't do this anymore... I just can't... Current mood: sad.Current music: none. so here i am working 2 jobs everyday of the week. on top of it i have 18 credit hours and 18 signed up for next semester. I work my butt of to have th grades that i do. I was really hoping for a 4.0 this semester. i studied my butt off did everything i was suppose to. just to give you a small example my last paper was 32pgs and the one i am doing now is 56 and counting. i studied for every test and earned an A on everyone. This one class imaprticular is really hard there are no true false no mulitple choice no fill in the blanks. you must know the info and know it well. for our final it was a test over all our previous tests. He told us which pages of the previous test would be on the final. i studied my hiney off i mean over 4 hours studing. well the test came and i was breezing threw then wam bam thank you maam there were 4 pages that he didnt tell us about an di couldnt remember cause i spent so much time studing what i thought i was suppose to. needless to say i am veryupset and if i dont get a 4.0 due to that class where everything else ias did was an a i will not be a happy girl. I am struggling to stay on top of everyhting and i think i deserve it. as soon as i walked out i started cring and i called my dad. I think i am going to talk to the prof on tomorrow after i have calmed down. i will gladly retake it again now tha ti know to study the other pages. In other news EVERYONE should read men are from mars women are from venus. my really good friend bought it for me and its awesome. its give you so much insight and help with the opposite sex. well enough complaing for now lata ~amber* Current mood:  angry.Current music: marys song. So I'm back in good ole GA. I havent updated in forever. This summer was pretty good i went to the bahamas which is always nice. Then my bladder and kidneys decided to hate me forever. so i go to the doc like seriosuly every other week for infections its no fun! Classes started which are awesome! I love my school! Vanessa came down for a little but then went back home. so here i am now with lauren. she's my roomie and she awesome i love her to pieces. I went out to dinner with sarah 2 nights ago i got to see her apartment and she got to see mine. Im so glad she's down here. She loves SCAD but she says its sooooo challenging more so than her old school. Life is pretty good right now I have AWESOME friends here, a gorgeous and sweet bf, and school is going well. now if only my health would straighten itself out i would be a happy girl. I have 2 jobs down here and i am a nanny for 2 little kids and then working at ruby tuesdays. I love my jobs. anyone who would like to come and visit is more than welcome to stay with me. its still like in the 90's here. the south is awesome minus the fact we get hurricane threats like every other week. they say there is another one headed our way. well theres my update for the month ~Amber* Current mood:  blah.Current music: none just lauren coughing. ok so i havent updateed in forever so i figured might as well. im now working 2 jobs i still work in the careeer services but now i am also a nanny. i dfound that very fitting for me. i love college life. i have been to daytona 2 so far and it is awesome!! HEATHER IS COMING!!! yay for friends coming to visit. i am so excited i miss her and i dont htink GA is ready for this. alot of my friends are at NTC its no good. i miss my friends from ohio i cant wait till next year when a bunch of them ar ehere! it will be the best ever. soo i am really sun burnt due to really warm weather and florida. sunless tanner is looking better and better! i miss my mom! and my litle sisters. so my neighbior and i are big dorks and since we dont have family here we went out and bought each other easter baskets and we are decorating eggs and hiding em on campus!! oh yeh i am a camp counsler in the summer! its in PA. i cant stay in one spot long enough to hold my breath. i cant wait i am teahing kids tennis and ceramics then i am the bunk counsler for the lord help me 16 year old girls where there are also 16 year old boys at the camp. im so nervous they wont listen to me cause i am so close to their age. i guess we shall see. well enough update for now more later ~Amber* Current mood:  anxious.Current music: none just my phone beeping. |
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